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 The Bravura Newsletter provides valuable information that you can use to reach your music career goals and to help you gain a balanced and enjoyable life whilst working within the fast-paced Music Industry.
Relationships - What a Can of Worms! Hi there, Are you a signed artist, struggling to maintain a romantic relationship with your girlfriend/boyfriend? Are you finding it difficult to maintain a good relationship with your manager, who thinks he/she is a member of your band? Have you just fallen out with, or broken up with your girlfriend/boyfriend who is also in your band? Alternatively have you fallen out with your brother or sister, who is also in your band? Yes, you've guessed it, this month's newsletter is all about relationships and how difficult they can be to maintain - whether you spend a lot of time away from those close to you or whether they are involved in your music project, band etc; as well as the impact they have if, or when, they go wrong. Relationships can be difficult between people under normal circumstances, but if you are in a band or deeply involved in a music project of some nature, relationships can get even more strained depending on your circumstances. Here are some examples of what I mean: Family members Noel and Liam Gallagher are notorious for having 'full-blown brotherly feuds' and even splitting from their band, Oasis. "…A vicious argument erupted between Liam and Noel, during which Liam started making personal jibes…Noel headed out the door and kept on walking…" "But they always manage to kiss and make up", (NME, 17 Feb 2007 edition). In a further edition of NME (14 January 2006), Noel can be quoted as saying "Do…be in a band with a family member, because it's always great to have an ally when it goes off on the bus." But then a bit further it reads "Don't…Be in a band with a family member, because the person you're most likely to go off on the bus with is gonna be your f*****g family member". Girlfriends/Boyfriends If you are on tour a lot, then leaving your loved ones at home can very often put a strain on your relationship, unless they come with you - which is oh so frowned upon! I once heard a story about Charlie Watts, drummer of the Rolling Stones, who refused to wash unless his wife was allowed to come on tour with them. After a little while - with Charlie becoming rather smelly, his wife joined the tour! (Apologies if this story is incorrect, as I haven't been able to substantiate it!). Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys has this to say of relationships, whilst he's away on tour, "I think for now it's probably best to be on my own. I find it too hard to carry on. Especially when you're all over the place…it gets to the point when you're not even seeing each other". (NME, 28 April 2007 edition) But then if your boyfriend or girlfriend is actually in your band too, it can have its positives points and not so positive points. For instance, when your relationship is working well, then it's nice to spend time with that person and to have a special person there to share all the good times with. On the not so good side however, it can cause friction with other members of the band, who haven't got their partners with them or they may feel ganged up upon or alienated by the two of you, when it comes to making decisions or musical differences et al. In addition, how do you work through difficult patches in your romance, when you are constantly together? And do you leave your personal differences out of rehearsals, the gigs etc? Then of course, what may happen if you were to split up? At its worst, this could cause your band to break up or one of you to leave. So there appears to be a lot more negatives than positives on this one. Having said that of course it can work for some - Meg and Jack White of the White Stripes used to be married (even though they pretended to be brother and sister!) and once they divorced, remained friends and have continued to work together. Also, Arcade Fire's, co-vocalists, Win Butler and Regine Chassagne, are married and obviously working well together. Best Friends Then you have the best friend scenario, which again can work and then not. For Kyle Falconer and Keiren Webster of The View it's currently working. But for Pete 'n' Carl of The (ex) Libertines, it didn't, despite a recent one-off come back gig which went down a storm and got all Libertines fans in a frenzy! But for Pete Doherty and Carl Barat, it seems that there will always be a bit of 'soulmatedom' (NME, 28 April 2007). So having explored a number of different types of relationships and their pro's and con's, how can you make sure that whatever scenario you are dealing with, you can maintain good relationships with those close to you? The following tips may help: Tip 1: Be clear on your vision for your band or music project: Regardless of your different relationships, it is imperative that you know what your music career vision is and whether you all share that vision. To look at this, get each individual member of your band or project to write out what their dreams, goals or vision is for your band or project. Having done this on an individual basis first, you can then get together to see what common ground you have with your ideals. From this you can draw up your shared vision and iron out any areas that don't gel with all of you. NB: Having worked with bands in this way, I have found that it is quite important to do the first part of this exercise on an individual basis, that way you won't get carried away with other people's dreams and stifle your own. Tip 2: Be clear on your boundaries. Once you have got a clear vision for your band or music project. It is then important to look at the different relationships that you have within your band/project. Some of them may reflect those above i.e family members, best buddies, romantically involved etc. At this point you may find it good to set some clear boundaries regarding how you make decisions, how your relationships may impact on those decisions and how you wish to deal with any issues or friction that may arise within them. For example: You may decide that you want to make decisions in a democratic way - allowing each band member to have a vote, where the majority of votes goes ahead, and no grudges are held by those in the band who didn't agree. You may decide that under no circumstances are members of the band to have a romantic relationship with each other - easier said than done, when lust and love are drawing you together! You may decide that none of this is important, but what is important is how you work together creatively and how you maintain your relationships well, so you can move forward to realise that shared vision for your band or project. Tip3: Have Excellent Communication. An exercise that may help you to maintain your relationships is to have a weekly band meeting, where you discuss all the good things that have happened that week, and the not so good and where situations and relationships could be improved and how you can move that forward. A way you can do this is to find a soft object that is held by each band member in turn. When a band member is holding the object, no-one else is allowed to speak until they have finished, and then you can, only when the object is passed to you. In the meantime you can jot down any specific thing that you want to say in response, once it's your turn to speak. NB: It is important to make sure that the object is soft, in case any one of you gets really annoyed and throws it at someone or thing - I have used this exercise using a stone and I think that if I were to use it with the Gallagher brothers, severe damage could occur! By undertaking this kind of exercise on a routine basis, it allows you to talk rationally and take some emotion out of a situation - obviously, emotions can arise, but the key thing to do in telling someone that you weren't happy with how they reacted to a situation or behaved, is to say it in such a way that won't inflame the situation. So the way in which you phrase things is important, as well as your tone of voice. For example: you may wish to say that you were fed up with Pete and Kate kissing between each song in the band rehearsal, but you could say it like this: "hey guys, I know you're all loved up at the moment and I'm really pleased about that, but we really need to get these songs tight and we really need to keep focussed, do you think that you could keep the kissing to after the rehearsal?" Said with a kind tone of voice, hopefully the loved up couple will see that rehearsals isn't the right place for their canoodling and will get a room! You will hopefully agree that all relationships need working on to keep them joyful and happy. The specific types of relationships within your band or project just may need some extra attention to make sure that they don't hinder your vision and take away your focus - and perhaps there's no reason why you can't have both vision and relationship - it's just about managing both. I hope this month's newsletter has given you food for thought and that your relationships within your band or project are fantastic. However if you need help in finding solutions to maintaining them, please feel free to email me to set up a complimentary call to discuss your relationship issues. With very best wishes,  Bravura Group helping you brave the music industry http://www.bravura-group.com t: 01246 231 249 / 0845 456 460 e: lindsey@bravura-group.com I work with signed and unsigned artists and personnel working in the Music Industry who want to become more productive, creative and ultimately more successful in their music careers, whilst enjoying a more enriched, fulfilling and balanced personal life. If you have received this copy of the Bravura newsletter from a friend or colleague and would like to receive future copies, please visit www.bravura-group.com to subscribe. Thank you. |
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